Why do we look to the "Tiger Mother" or the French parent to search for answers when it comes to raising children? There must be a problem with the way we raise children in America. As an elementary teacher for almost four decades, it is fair to say that I have been observing the behavior of children in a middle class suburban setting for a long time. In Elementary school you spend your entire day with the same students and work closely with their parents, so you are in a position to evaluate family dynamics.
First, the good news is that over the years I have witnessed a drastic improvement in behavior. Contrary to the bullying we hear about today, boys, in particular, are far less aggressive today. My observations are validated by the decrease in violent crime across American society in the same time period. So we are doing something right! However, boys are less motivated, less responsible, and far less organized than in the past, according to my estimation. Girls, are far more motivated, responsible, organized, and much more mature than in the past.
On the other hand, I have also witnessed some negative effects that modern parents have bestowed upon their children. With both parents working, children are more indulged today with material things, have fewer parameters to live by, and sadly, are more in control of parents than the other way around. Technology has also had an effect on socialization. Children, on the whole, are more withdrawn and less social with each other and with adults. They go to a family gatherings armed with a computer game, go off in a corner, and never interact with family members. Because of this relatively new technology, conversation is a lost art and young people today have a difficult time expressing themselves. They often can't find the words to express themselves and resort to giving examples of what they mean. Vocabulary has deteriorated along with reasoning ability. We used to call it common sense!
Children are coddled far more today than in the past. From birth, they are held constantly and never given the opportunity to explore their new surrounding on their own terms. Playpens are non-existent today but that time alone for infants or toddlers was their time to explore and use their imagination. Today, every waking minute is structured from beginning to end. Even when they are sleeping, they are sleeping with their parents! Parents are too involved in their world and are extremely overprotective. Children need to handle their own problems and structure their own time the way they see fit.
Too much attention is paid to their self-esteem by protecting them from hurt feelings. Today, everyone gets a prize, everyone wins or succeeds, and everyone get invited to the birthday party. Children today have a hard time with rejection, losing, and hurt feelings because they have no coping mechanisms. They have been sheltered from disappointment their whole lives and will even cry and whine to their college professors if they don't get an A. The result is that many young people today are walking around with over-inflated egos because they have been stroked with unworthy praise their whole lives!
Certainly, parents today have good intentions and probably don't realize that too much of a good thing can be detrimental. They want to give their children everything they didn't have in life and they don't want to reprimand them when they barely have time to tuck them in after a work day. Whatever time they do have with their children should be fun time, but they still need to be parents, not friends! Always show you children that you love them unconditionally but always be a parent, guiding them, setting parameters, and allowing them to fail. More is learned from failure, disappointment, and heartache than any indulgent gift you could buy them. The greatest gift you give your children is to be there when they fall, let them know it is OK to make mistakes, and help them learn how to recover. Give them the life skills they will need to sustain them in this crazy world they will enter. Wake up, America!
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